Attention Casca

[Old_Man_Istvan]

Forums suck today.

WTB STORY!!!!!

*plops down*

[Casca554]

Oh herro prease. Edited for double post.

[Casca554]

I'll see what I can do. For noa, take this:



*edit*

Here's another to hold you over, I found it funny... but it's kinda old

[Old_Man_Istvan]

LMFAO

[Casca554]

Ok, here's one for you.

The Psycho Bitch and The Upper Decker

(Just to give a little background an Upper Decker is when you take the lid off the top of a toilet and drop a deuce in side of it instead of the bowl)

*Still in progress - but some more background. This is going to be a long one*

Here's a little bit more background and a bit about my self. Starting right about after college, I noticed that I had a gift (or a curse, rather). I don't know what it is about me, perhaps I treat most people equal and will chat with them regardless of their looks / personality. Just a nice guy, you know.

This would often lead to girls that don't get many boyfriends looking at me as boyfriend material. Now, I don't consider my self shallow, but some of the people that were diggin' me were not at all my type. Whether they had a shit personality, smelled like BO and dirty feet, were just weird (trust me, they have to be pretty f'ed up for me to consider them weird), or a borderline retarded bimbo (fun, but I wouldn't consider them for anything permanent).

Anyhow, these womenz would start hanging out with me and then go through 4 distinct stages.

Stage 1: Friendly talk. Nothing serious, but they hang around me whenever possible and I generally would accept their company.

Stage 2: Get a little flirty. Start sending text messages to my phone, leaving little hints - ending conversations with a hugs or just being a little more -close- than normal. (hugs going to a kiss on the cheek, etc.)

Stage 3: After their earlier attempts at seducing me were ignored, they escalate the situation to full out slut-level. Subtlety is no longer an option. This ranges from "I'm bored... want to have sex?" to jumping on my lap and with their tongue hanging out while diving for my face.

Stage 4 has two parts:

A. After Stage 3 was resisted, they go back to being normal friends and are hurt, but understand that we are only friends.

B. After Stage 3 rejection, they look at our past as if we were -dating- and that we were "together". This is the Psycho Bitch stage. Things like death threats, vandalism, and the psycho bitch yell comes in here.

With the above stated, our story begins...

[Casca554]

Alright, it was a Saturday night. I'm with a group of about 5-10 friends. Most of us were fresh out of college (or some still in college) and I have no internet connection, WoW, etc. So like any fresh young man, I'm out looking for tail.

After much discussion, we decide to hit one the local clubs. Generally this club doesn't offer much in the choice of womenz, but the bartenders were hot, and we were personal friends with most of them. So it was a good place to start the night.

Fast forward an hour or two. We're a few drinks in at the bar and we're starting to get a little loud (even with all the music going) and now we're getting attention. Other people want to be near us and see why we are having such a good time.

A few ho's pass by and try to flirt a drink or two out of us. Someone in our group always bites (and then gets left right after the ho's get their drink, lawl). Eventually a group of 5 girls come up to our group and start chit-chatting.

Times are fun, we start letting them have a few drinks on our dime. Nothing ho-like yet. I didn't really pay attention to the way any of them looked, as I really didn't care in my current state... but one thing leads to another and I eventually leave with one of them.

I have no business being behind the wheel, so I hand my keys to the lady and direct her to my car. I can't recall exactly what happened for a while, but we eventually reached my apartment about 2 1/2 hours after we left the club (it only takes about 30 minutes to get to the club from my house)... so no fucking clue why it took so long.

Anyway, stuff happens and we go to sleep. The next morning, she is still there... and as far as I can recall, I had a good time with her.

--(OFF TOPIC - HOLY SHIT. THIS MOTHERFUCKER SITTING OUTSIDE MY OFFICE IS PISSING ME OFF. HE'S BEEN EATING THOSE BIG ASS CRUNCHY PRETZELS FOR THE PAST HOUR AND A HALF WHILE FARTING. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH *toot* <pause> CRUNCH.)--

Resuming story, anyway, she was still there so I decided to make breakfast for her before I send her on her way. We talk for about an hour and I tell her I need to get ready for work <a lie> and she nods and calls one of her friends to drive her home.

... more coming in a bit. Got some stuff I need to do real quick.

[Old_Man_Istvan]

@ pretzel guy hahaha.

I cant wait to hear whats next!

[Casca554]

Fast forward to next Saturday morning.

It's about 11:00 AM, I'm awake and lounging on the couch when I hear a knock the door... I wasn't expecting anyone, so I reluctantly get off the couch and open the door. It was just barely cracked then a girl's hand reached in and lightly pushed the door open.

It was the girl from the club... apparently she remembered or wrote down my address. <For the life of me, I could not remember her name, so I just did the whole "Oh hey... y... how's it going?" thing. > She stands in between the door and the jam and asks if I want to go clubbing tonight.

I wasn't really in the mood for it, but I figured I had nothing else planned, so why not?

She stayed over at my place until we were ready to leave, we took my car and she left hers at the apartments,. At the club we have a few drinks (and I dance like a white dude with no rhythm) and she starts hinting at me that we should leave. As we're going out to the car, she starts talking about "what WE are going to do tomorrow".

I think to my self "WTF is this WE stuff already?".

I didn't say anything... I figured I'd be getting some tonight and didn't want to ruin my chances.

We pull up to my apartment and as we're walking to my door, she gives me a hug and says she'll see me later. WTH is this shit?

I was bummed, so naturally I got on my xbox and played Guitar Hero for a while. I felt much better after that jam session.

Next morning... (Sorry for the slow start, but a story is nothing without a build up. Don't worry though, it starts to get juicy very soon)

[Jeta1]

*holds her breath as she waits for the next part*

So not fair to have so many cliff hangers.

[Casca554]

I awaken from my slumber to the sound of a doorbell. "What the hell?!" The clock says it 8:03 AM. I never wake up this GD early!

I roll over and go back to sleep. *ding dong* <ignore> *ding dong* <pillow over the head> *DINNNNNNG dong* FUCK! ... ... ... <silence>

Ah... they must have given up ... *Beep - The theme song from James Bond, Casino Royale starts playing* ... It's my cellphone.

Fuck it. I get out of bed and answer my phone. The conversation went something like this:

Me: What? (still sounding very raspy and tired)
Voice: Teehee, are you home?
Me: Who the hell is this?
Voice: It's me, Julie
Me: Ugh... <thinking hard>
Julie: From the club, that Julie
Me: Oh... yeah! Oh, you sound different (saved)
Julie: You ready to go?
Me: Go where?
Julie: To breakfast! Remember, you said you would.
(I know for a fact that I did not agree to this)
Me: Hold on, I'm not ready.

This is where I know this whole situation was likely fucked. I let her inside to wait while I get ready. The minute she enters the doorway is *blah blah blah blah, my girlfiend this, my girlfiends that, my mom has mange, etc."

Too early... I leave her talking on the couch and go in the bathroom take a shower, get ready, etc. (I left the bathroom door unlocked hoping she would come inside while I was in the shower- ha! Never happened though. )

I get dressed and we head out to breakfast. The whole time in the car she will not shut the fuck up. "Me, me, me, me, me. ME! OMG, me. Me"

I take her to a small breakfast joint where some of my college friends serve at. I did not feeling like paying much for this person's breakfast.

About half way through breakfast, she finally shuts the f up and we have a conversation about more than just her. The more she talked, the less interested I was.

Then, the final straw. She started talking about Jesus. (Now, I have nothing against religion or anyone religious, but please, do not preach that shit to me. If I want to be saved by Jesus, I will do so on my own accord)

I believe I looked like this for about the next 20 minutes.



My cell phone starts ringing and I cut her off mid-sentence. I pretend it's my job calling and that it's an emergency.

She does the and goes for a hug. I don't really hug her back and she throws this odd look. Women know the look! It's sort of a "WTF are you doing" (for not hugging back) look.

She yells "Call me" as I walk out the door.

FREEDOM! I don't call her back, ever.

About two weeks goes by... (oh shit, action time)

[Casca554]

It's a Friday. My friends and are are getting together to hang out / watch a movie / get embarrassed by me in various XBOX games. A few of them bring their fiances / girlfriends. We have beer, hotDAGS, and burgers, chips... you know, party food.

Wee.... good times! The doorbell rings and one of my friends answers it.

He closes the door and says "Dude, your girlfiend is here. Want me to let her in?"

Girlfriend? I wasn't aware I had one. (I had completely forgotten about Julie) So I slowly nod at him to let her in.

Yep, it's Julie and she looks pissed. (As I said earlier, I'm a pretty nice guy in person and try not to piss people off / leave them pissed off at me)

In front of everyone:

Julie: "Why didn't you tell me you were having a party?"
Me: "Didn't know you liked parties"
Julie: "<pause>"
Julie: "Well, I do..."
Me: "Did you tell Dave (my friend that answered the door) that you were my girlfriend?"
Julie: "Well, I thought we were together"
(We hung out for like 2 days... wth?)
Me: "We're friends, just friends"
Julie: "Oh..."
(She looks like she is about to cry)
Me: "Come hang out with us. You're welcome to stay"
(She cheers up a bit and goes out on the porch for a few minutes to cool down)

The rest of the night is pretty normal (aside from my friends constantly throwing the (is that bitch crazy?) look at me. At around 9:00 PM I push everyone out, including Julie, but I do so politely and she does not seem to upset. (Plus, she was a little more down to earth after getting a reality check)

Saturday Morning

I go to the bathroom to take the morning piss. *sniff* Smells like someone took a shit in here.

I start checking to make sure someone didn't take a shit and throw the toilet paper on the floor / in the trash can. (My friends have done this before whilst drunk)

Hmm, I don't see anything out of the ordinary, so I just take out the trash just-in-case.

Later that day, I had to piss again, so I go the restroom. WTF. It still smells like a fresh dookie in here. Then it hit me! One of my asshole friends probably dropped an upper decker.

I lift the lid of the toilet... sure enough, there's a nasty brownish-black log in there, slowly falling apart in the water. (This is a bitch to clean up if you've never dealt with one before)

I craft a net out of a garbage bag and a few wire hangers and fish the bitch out and throw it away. (Eww, this thing smelled foul. A mix between fresh skunk, normal doo-doo, and burning tires)

After the mess was dealt with, I start calling all of my friends to id the culprit (and plot my revenge)... They all deny it, and all are pretty convincing. Then who was it...

I give up on the search for The Upper Decker. Another week goes by (still no calls to/from Julie) and I arrive home after a rough day at work.

Why does my door smell like shit? Hmm, there's a little pile of dog shit near my welcome mat... probably the neighbors little mutt. I scoop it up and toss it over at their door. Oh well.

Later that night, I get a call. It's Julie... don't really want to talk to her, but I pick up anyway.

Julie: Hey want to see a movie tomorrow?
Me: Depends on the movie
Julie: <She mentioned some chick-flick that I wasn't interested in>
Me: Not really my type of movie
Julie: Come on, please! None of my friends want to go...
Me: *sigh* Okay, just give me the time

*Side note: Right now, I consider her at about stage 1 1/2-2

Next day at the movies. The main character is being kissed by some asshole guy. She's practically having an orgasm just watching them fall in love.

She starts with the hinting phase.

Julie: "Wouldn't it be nice to kiss like that?"
Me: "Heh" (My defense when I don't want to upset someone)

She leaves it at that. On the ride home, she is trying to hold my hand. (Do not want)

Me: "We're just friends."
Julie: throws that little twisted smile

We get back to her car, hug, "Thanks", "Bye", whatever.

Full on stage 2.

More to come...

[Casca554]

Later that night...

My phone does the *beep / vibrate*. A text message...

From Julez: Hey rmbr how i asked about that kiss? well i m outside right now if u want 2.

Me: Julie, I consider us friends, no more. (Was hard for me to type / resist making the move, but she was crazy and I know not to mess with crazy -- Plus, I didn't enjoy her company at all, she really wasn't that attractive - on a scale of 1-10, she was probably 3. Nothing special)

No response after that. Another week goes by and I return from work, there is more doodoo by my door. I grab this piece of cardboard and get ready to fling it at the neighbors door again... but wait, this is a lot of shit.

There is probably 3 or 4 pieces of dog shit there. This was not done by dogs... someone put this here. Figured it was a friend and laughed it off.

Next week, same day as before, there is shit by my door again. WTF, it was funny once, but these were fresh and sticky.

Next week, same day, same thing. Julie calls that night and I turn off my phone.

Next week, same thing, but someone has scrawled "FUCK YOU" in shit on the hardiplank in front of my apartment. Seriously, this is fucking stupid, I have to clean this up.

Next week, same thing... wait. This is human shit. There were two pieces about 1ft long each resting on my welcome mat. I ask my neighbors if they saw anyone at my door... nothing.

Now that it's happening the same time, and there was human shit last time, I set up a camera in my window pointing down at the door and wait.

I come home and there is shit there again... I have the camera on this time! I go inside and start watching the recording... it's Julie. The psycho bitch and she is not carrying shit to the door, she is popping a squat and letting one loose right there.

Bitch didn't even wipe when she left.

I make plans to confront her on the next Wednesday (since she seemed to have her shitting on a strict schedule.

The next morning I go out to my car and she has written (in shit) B I C H down the side of my car. Guess she can't spell either...

Now I'm extremely pissed. This bitch is a full Stage 4. I immediately call her and bitch her out. She talks back in the snobby, self-righteous tone and acts as if I brought it upon my self since "We were together once more and I cheated on her"

Me: "Bitch, we were never together"
Julie: "Don't pretend like we weren't. Oh, and get used to your life smelling like shit, because that's what my life is like now!" (she is sobbing)
Me: "Maybe you should wipe your ass then"
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (she hangs up)

Now... dealing with a few psycho bitches (most to a lesser extent) I knew what I must do.

Step 1: I moved my car to a safe location and got a rental.
Step 2: Move. My lease was up a month back, so I can leave when I pleased. So I did.
Step 3: Get revenge one hundred fold.

and here's what I did...

[Evilpleasure]

zomg casca, I have to leave for work in like 25 mins!! I can't go to work without knowing the rest of the story! There is no interwebs there!
also
@ pretzel guy.

[Casca554]

My first thought was to take the video of her taking a shit and post it up on her myspace for all her friends to see. This would have been great... but I didn't want to ruin her life. (I also though about finding out where she worked and sending it there... but same problem)

My other option was to mirror her moves back on her. Childish... but very effective if done properly.

I decided on the latter of the two because it was less dickish. (Granted, if she would have done any permanent damage to my car, it would be no holding back)

So, I get with my best friend Dave and devise a plant of collecting poo and depositing it at her home. Only problem is... I don't know where she lives, but Dave has a brilliant idea. He says we should wait for her to come back (since she is unaware of my moving out as far as we know) and do it to the car.

This part is extremely immature, but I rofled the whole time we did it.

We spent four hours on Saturday collecting several buckets of cow shit. That's right, we went to a big pasture with buckets and pickup truck (and these really cool Janitor Suits with giant rubber gloves and masks) and collected shit.

From runny to clay-like, it was all fair game. We had also recruited some help, because we figured that we only had about 5 minutes to get the deed done before she would return to her car.

Next Wednesday (t3h shit day)

The five of us spread out throughout the apt. complex with walkie-talkies. Each one waiting to spot the Shitmobile and announce it's location.

Dave: Queen of Shit spotted! First building near the pool.

(She parked a good 5 minutes walk away from my complex, guess she didn't want her car getting spotted)

I take the back way to her car while Dave brings his shit-filled truck around.

Perfect, there is no one else parked near here, so we can get messy.

Two of us are loaders, one is playing pick up (anything that falls off the car must be thrown back on), and the other two are spreaders (spreading the poo over the nice red Saturn).

I'm in the back of the truck. I grab the first of eight buckets. (Cow shit is pretty heavy, just fyi) I tilt the bucket over the car and the poo slops out onto the car. *plop* *plop* *plop* *thud* (the thud was one of the more clay-like chunks)

Our crew quickly works to cover every inch of the car with the poo. By the 4th bucket, the car was already pretty much covered, but an extra layer could never hurt. We were cutting it close in terms of time. 5 minutes so far... she could be coming back any minute... we could only hope that she was painting a mural of poo on my apartment door.

The final bucket landed atop the car with a sickening gurgle sound. All windows, mirrors, and even the tires were completely 1980's brown.

We rush to pack all the buckets back in the car (we smelled terrible by this time, <3 to the jumpsuits) At the last minute, Dave runs from the truck and writes "SHIT" down the driver side of the car and quickly shifts sides to write "QUEEN" into the layer of shit paint on the passenger side.

He gives a quick "HA!" and we're on our way out of there. We park the truck far away and watch from a distance.

Julie is strolling back from her deuce now. It took her 22 minutes... I can't wait to see the apartment, .

As she rounds the corner to where she can see her car, she pauses.

She stares at where she parked her car, but only see's the shit covered beast that remains.

Possibly thinking she was in the wrong spot, she traces her steps back and looks around some more, maybe thinking she parked somewhere else.

A few minutes later, she comes back into view. She slowly approaches the car and, upon realization that it is indeed her car, throws a fucking fit.

She is jumping up and down. Cursing. Rolling on the ground (wtf?) Throwing her purse down, etc.

After about 6 minutes of disbelief, she takes off her jacket and attempts to wipe the shit from the door handle and windshield.

Not going to happen. This paint job was top-notch. A good solid inch of the brown stuff on most parts of the car.

Tossing her ruined jacket aside, she eventually finds a hose near the pool and pulls it up to clean her car off. There is no nozzle on the hose, so she uses her fucked up jacket with the hose to try and clean it off.

Bahahahaha. She is there almost 30 minutes just wiping shit off the windows... but the other shit from the roof just runs back down to take it's place.

Finally, she is satisfied with her visibility and jumps inside the car and tears off. Leaving a trail of shit on her way out.

*Incoming call*
Me: Hi
Julie: Fuck you!
Me: What's wrong with you?
Julie: You know what you did!
Me: I do?
Julie: I'm going to fuck up your apartment so bad! Going to bust the windows in.
Me: What's with you and taking shits on people's porches?
Julie: Fuck you, cheater!
Me: I recorded you taking a shit on my porch, want me to post it on your myspace?
Julie: ...
Julie: ...
Me: Oh, I forgot to mention, I moved out of that apartment last week. So you just fucked up someone elses' shit.
Julie: ...
Me: Yeah, just leave the fuck alone please.
Julie: If I find you...
Me: If you find me or I even see you again, I'm sending this video to your entire family, workplace, and friends.
Julie: ...
Me: Don't forget to wipe your ass, you might get a rash.
Julie: ...
Me: I love you, bye!
Julie: Assho...
<Call Ended>

And that was that. I've never seen the bitch since, and I got banned from most apartments in my area because the owner traced us to being the ones that put shit all over the parking lot and on the car... but I got a house now, so I don't really care.

[Casca554]

Whew. That one took a while, got lots of call outs and had to leave the office.